In the spirit of the new year, I am sitting with memories from 2019. It’s been full of growth and change and pain and intense joy. I am learning all the time. I am trying to be open to what is next.
I accepted my first salaried job. I quit my first salaried job. I toured around the country for six months with a group of people I adore. For some reason, I met Bill Murray. And for some reason, he bought us drinks. I left the country for the first time. I tried working for myself. I accepted my second salaried job. I quit my second salaried job. I played loud music with my friends. I got angry about the state of the country. I lost people I cared deeply about. I volunteered with the best summer camp in the world. I booked a lot of bands for a festival I love. I married my best friend. I packed everything and the cats into a car and moved across the country. I cried a lot. I played a truly obscene amount of Stardew Valley. I applied for 137 jobs. I got tired of answering questions about myself.
And now here I am, settling into the darkness of New England winter, working in a tall building where I can see the whole city, still drinking too much coffee, and trying still to be a better version of myself. Emerging from several months of depression and working to coax myself the rest of the way out. I am finally starting to want to do things I love again, like playing music or taking photos or moving my body, things that I haven’t wanted to do in awhile. Sometimes I remind myself about what it was like to tour around the country, visiting a different musical ecosystem with so many moving parts every single day, and realizing that the world is a lot bigger than where you’re from. It’s the whole reason I ever brought up moving out of Colorado for a little bit, and then the powers that be provided a reason to get out for a bit. And though it’s rough now, I know I’ll end up back there and I know this experience will be beneficial. For now, it’s a little bit hard. And that’s okay. I am grateful for a partner who helps me sit with the difficulties and look at the bright spots, and for friends & family that remind me of all the kindness that exists in the world.
One of the most common questions I got in job interviews was, “Where do you see yourself in three (or five, or ten) years?” The more I answered that question, the more unsure I was of what I said. I started to give incredibly vague responses, like, “I hope I’m still learning,” because I honestly didn’t know the answer. People just want to hear that you’re interested in the company or the field long term. But honestly, after 137 job applications, everything starts to blur together and you have a hard time being excited about anything while being pulled in so many directions. I get attached to possibilities so easily, and rejections hurt that much more after mentally placing yourself in a job. No one knows me here. No one has any reason to believe more in me than anyone else. And at a certain point, I think I stopped believing in myself, which doesn’t make pitching yourself to interviewers any easier. Eventually, though, someone took a chance on me in a new field and I was reminded about the value of leaving the apartment, creating some sort of routine, being good at something, and spending time around other people. I guess I still don’t know where I’d like to be in five years, but maybe I’m getting a little bit closer to having an idea. And I sure do have a lot to be grateful for this year.
All that to say — Happy New Year’s Eve. I’m feeling full of love going through these photos. Here are some of my favorite moments from the past year.
My feelings betraying me on the walk down the aisle. Photo by Kendall Rock.
Gregory Alan Isakov — Chicago, IL
Payden scaring me to get the ‘gram.'
I called Malena and said, “Can I put flowers in your hair?” She said, “Okay, I’ll make some snacks.”
Union Station — Denver, CO
The best wedding crew we could have asked for.
Gregory Alan Isakov — San Francisco, CA
Jordan Leone — Edgewater, CO
Overslept — Denver, CO
Fall colors from Maine. Photo by Kyla Foster.
First tattoo by Melanie Steinway and farewell poster by Elias Armao.
All dressed up with Jason.
Gregory Alan Isakov — Asheville, NC
Snowy load out — Baltimore, MD
Meow Wolf — Santa Fe, NM
Morning rituals with Porter.
The secret to surviving the bomb cyclone and two days without power. Beer, Dominion, and friendship.
Gregory Alan Isakov — Morrison, CO
Ice Caves — Dillon, CO
Painted Ladies — San Francisco, CA
Returning from tour always meant naps.
Filming Meliora’s music video at the Clocktower Cabaret with Lady Cactus.
Girls Rock Camp Alliance 2019 was an incredible weekend of learning and recharging.
A coupla cuties — San Francisco, CA
Sutro Baths — San Francisco, CA
Community Dinner — Centennial, CO
Fancy coffees while photographing a wedding with Malena.
Thankful for these guys after the chaos of UMS.
Prepping for Girls Rock Denver 2019.
First round of buddies in the middle of the polar vortex.
A belated housewarming party.
Maternity boudoir on film. Something I was incredibly nervous about, and so happy with the experience.
Leif Vollebekk — Brooklyn, NY
I believe this is where someone yelled, “FURNITURE CATALOG!” Photo by Kendall Rock.
Overslept — Denver, CO
William DJing a wedding and being a human sunflower.
Probably tired of me asking him to make me coffee.
Walks — Edgewater, CO
Gregory Alan Isakov — Brooklyn, NY
A sweaty, emotional, post-wedding selfie.
Crying after seeing wedding dress embroidery for the first time. I was crying too.
Our first day in Boston.
Celebrating Greg with over 500 other people, loud and full of love.
Our last night all living together.
Overslept — Denver, CO
Bellhoss — Denver, CO
Self Portrait — Denver, CO
Love and Light Leaks — Denver, CO
Listening to Payden’s eyes over FaceTime.
John Craigie with Gregory Alan Isakov — San Francisco, CA
Exploring — Kennebunk, ME
An atrocity outside the office.
Our first lobster rolls in Boston, but definitely not our last.
Celebratory tacos from Payden!
Leon & The Revival — Denver, CO
Brewing our wedding beer with Luke & Nikki.
Meow Wolf — Santa Fe, NM
San Francisco, CA
Pittsburgh
This was the “before” photo. By Nikki Rae.
Gregory Alan Isakov — San Francisco, CA
Overslept — Golden, CO
Important baby Clara content.
West Virginia, also probably the coldest stop on tour.
Flowers waiting for me at our new apartment in Boston.